HOooMG, I just want to pass... that's it, a nice 78 in Economics would be lovely. How grateful I would be. It's just so hard. I have a lot on my mind these days. I'm crazy homesick, especially with Christmas coming so soon.... I have absolutely no money, totally broke, I can't even buy lunch most days, let alone anything else. I've been so irresponsible. I really wish I could get my own apartment, but again.. I have no money and rent for a single apartment can be harsh on my loan money.

Ugh.... life... it gets better, I think.

So when does the survival instinct kick in? Instinct to survive through this academic hell...

I actually started writing the research paper today... it'll kill me honestly. I don't even get a chance to breath before I have to start on my other paper for Philosophy and not long after that before I have to start studying for my Economics exam. Thank my luck stars that I only have that one final exam... I don't think I could handle having one for each class.. ugh.

I tacked on another course for next semester, Math 1010. I have to take it if I want to have any hope at all in applying to UBC or any business school for that matter. Lately I've been thinking alot about eventually transfering to UBC. I've always wanted to live out there or visit even, so it's not a spur of the moment thing, it didn't just all of a sudden happen lol. Vancouver is amazing and the school itself is like nothing I've ever seen or heard about. The only thing I don't like is that, by the time I get there I'll be a second year, which sucks. Why can't I be a first year with everyone else? I want to experience all those first year things... maybe I could lie about my age...yeeeeah, but something tells me I'd get miserable of that pretty quickly. I just want my parents off my back for a while, only call them like once or twice a week or every so often you know? I'm too connected to them and I don't want that. Look at that whole money borrow sitch... like I don't want that around me, I have so many other things to worry about than their personal problems. I'm sorry, but it's true. I'm trying to live through this semester and I can hardly do that as it is without them putting added stress on my back. I was actually thinking about skipping out on Christmas this year, it's not like I'm going to be getting anything or anything, like I'd just be going to see the family and eat... to be honest I miss them and all but... I'm just not sure I want to come home for Christmas this year. Instead, maybe I could just come home during reading week or something, I dunno.

I hate that I don't have like a small group of girlfriends yet. We could all go on vaca when summer starts in April, maybe I'd stay here instead of heading out to Vancouver... I dunno. I just soo badly want those relationships, to feel that connection to people that only best friends can provide, and it's hard not having that. Hard seeing other girls have that, and just being unconcentratedly jealous about it.

I really need to get a backpack, I may get one at school when I go to get my Economics study guide. Weeeeelll, I'm headed to bed it's almost 10.

Wow, I haven't written anything in this blog since... June? It's crazy. So much has happened to me, I almost can't believe it at times. I know for sure that I more then likely won't be able to say everything I need to say in just one sitting.. like for sure, hahah.

Well, on a great note, and it is pretty amazing, I got into the University of Manitoba. Crazy right? Finally, I'm in University.. where I wanted to be from the very begining, since I set my dream to getting into a University and having that University experience... I'm just really thankful that I got in. Thankful that I believed more in myself then anyone ever did, even my parents.. Anyway, I'm living here in Winnipeg, and it hasn't been too bad with the exception of 3 things:

(1) Getting de-registered in the begining because I couldn't pay tuition, and trying to catch up with the rest of the class. Thankfully, all the courses I decided to take were full year courses, meaning that I hadn't missed TOO much, but still a considerable amount to catch up on.

(2) Meeting David... I realized that with how quickly we had gotten physical (*still a virgin), like sleeping together, that we would be on a downward spiral to breakupsville. Never a good feeling. He was a recovering alcohol, he had 2 children (not in his custody mind you, but he still had to devote his time and salary to them)... and I, being stupid and completely naive... took him just as he was. Little did I know that his issues would be such a problem, not to mention the 10 year age difference. Anyway, we broke up Friday. He called me ranting on and on, yelling at me about how he didn't care about me and that I can go screw myself. Well... he's going to regret that, I'm as good as it gets for him.

(3) My living accomodations... ugh. I live with two guys I don't know and I just, completely can't stand half the time. This wasn't my first choice, my first choice was living on my own in a small apartment, completely on my own. But my dad, wanted me to live here. Gawd, my parents always find a way.. no matter how far away from them I try to move myself... they always find a way to suck me in. Half of my student loan went to them and now I can hardly pay rent? It's fucked up.. big time.

Otherwise, life here has been pretty okay. I've met a few nice people. Meghan from CanTalk (I worked there for maybe a month, before I quit. We trained together and quickly became practically best friends), Christelle from my Into. to Politics class (she's nice, that's all), and Haith from Facebook (we've hung out like once...and that's it). I've always had a problem making friends, I'm way too guarded and it just makes things weird sometimes... I've moved around alot and had to adapt. Sometimes I just rather be by myself.

Anyway, I started reading this girl's LiveJournal, it's really good.... reeaaallly good.

So, I'm back!

Wow, hell of a thing. So, I've decided yesterday that I don't believe in God anymore, and I was kind of expecting Shaun to step up... but he didn't, not really anyway. I'm on my own with this, no one in my corner, telling me it'll be okay. Just me, Cherrelle, number 1 fan since 1989, haha. I don't think I need to explain my reasons for not believing anymore, that's reserved for just me and the ones I feel close to.

Um... I think school is going as planned. I don't think I could find a job here in Ontario so, Manitoba it is. My mother has given up all hope on me, you can hear it in her voice, but she's putting on a good show.

Anyway, ttys.
- Ellie.

babiesssssssssssssssss!

3 of them to be exact one set of twins and another one. I love those twins, gah. Awesome babies, spoiled silly though.

can't wait, well I can.. to have my own/

By George I say it has been....two whole months since I last wrote... TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Oi... Well anyway, I decided to come back and check out the scene. Still no comments I see, haha, but whatever. Right so, as always when I tend to write something, I have someone, I mean something to talk about. If you must know, I did meet yet another guy. A guy who is by far the most intelligent person I've ever met... let me rephrase that... a combination of the most intelligent, smartest, good-looking, drop dead sexy and handsome and funny and ...*sigh* honest person I've ever met in my entire life, and I have a hard time believing that he could be bad. It's what I always think when something seems a bit too good to be true. My god has listened to my pleas, haha. Maybe not, I don't know. But as always, I'm wondering how he feels and what he's thinking... does he feel the same, or does he just think I'm a pretty chill girl who happens to think those things about him. Something tells me his ex... is still a pretty big deal, and to be honest, I'm looking for a relationship that can go the distance, know what I mean? And, he just doesn't seem all that interested. Regardless though, we'll still be friends. Haha, he can talk circles around my brain like it's no ones business. I think it's safe to say I like him...

In other recent news, I have applied to U of M and applied for OSAP, and let's hope that they'll find it in their hearts to accept me.

I've been thinking a lot about my religion lately, and what it is exactly that I believe. After having these long conversations with Shaun.... it's like, you believe something that you aren't 100% certain of? You feel it but you have no concrete proof to back it up? And if I don't believe anymore... what do I believe? I feel that.... the pain in my heart... Grr, it's hard. Why does it have to be so hard? I know... but I still hate that it's hard, and experiencing those things were hard and changed the whole course of my life and the way I feel about myself, like I can't change any of it and I didn't have a say in any of it. How is that fair? How, WHY and WHY... I still don't understand and I don't know if I ever will, until then I continue to think what I do. My hearts like... exploding not allowing myself to tell anyone. Why do people respond the way they do... the second I tell someone the truth, that relationship is dead and I can't keep doing that because if I do, I'll be alone forever. So should I take a chance, knowing that I may end up forcing myself not to talk to him anymore.... or do I hold off a little longer until someone asks?

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to think.

Oi, I know, you have every right to be mad. I've been a horrible blogger, it's been more then a month. I don't even really remember what got me to come on LJ today. Anyway, like I always do, I check out the schools category to see if there's any interesting people out there that go to the school I'm going to and possibly see if we could be friends or anything like that. If it doesn't happen, whatever, but I think it'd be cool. Anyway I came across one blogger... blew my mind with her blog, I absolutely loved it, partially because I could related to her in many ways. Reading those entries just made me think though, today while I was creeping through Facebook (yes I'm a huge creeper, but whatever, you know you do it), I saw all of those girls, you know the White Mafia, those girls who are just hot and amazing and playing sports and have the greatest friendships and just have the best time. Anyway, I was looking through the pictures and just thinking where are all those girls now and I wonder what their up to, you know? I even thought briefly about Nadia...Reading that girls blogs made me really think, you know? I'd just love to have a portion of the clarity she does... I really need to figure out my life and just love and know myself, and some how just stop being so angry all the time...

I know, quite the heavy duty realization right? I've already figured out a few things like I'll be at Humber in May, for sure. I'm going to be working part-time while I got to school (Work-Study).....*sigh* I have a lot of figuring out to do.

Feels like a complete mind-f&ck of a day.

Oh, have I been slacking or what? Man. Well, I feel like I'm officially over Mena, and I have to admit, it feels great. Also, while watching Oprah, I wrote my very own letter to the universe, saying what I wanted, what I'm thankful for, and the goals or things that are in high priority for me. After writing it, I tucked it away and to totally be forgotten. I really want to try this whole power of positive thinking thing, I know it works, I've done it before for something as simple as having a good day in high school. Anyway, I thought I'd do a brief run over of the things in the letter so it'll truely be out there:

This is my letter to the universe. I'm 18 years old and I have to say that I have a pretty good life. There are times when things don't necessarily go my way and times when I have less then positive thoughts like when my little brother just hounds me to help him, or when my mother wears my shoes or is on my back about cleaning my room when I just don't want to. But I'm trying to change, hence this letter to the universe. I want better for life and family. I want to come across a good man, that's handsome, gorgeous and dead sexy (painfully so), but also doesn't have an ego about it, you know? And just has the personality and humor of someone who loves his life and the people in it, and would never do anything to jepordize those things. A good man, that just lives for me and us, and everything we'd stand for. I'm not particular on race. A man that has the same views and interests that I do. I've said before that I love the military and everything those men and women stand for, I love watching football and sporting events because I love the way it makes me feel and everyone around me, it's so exciting really. Above all else, I want a man that just knows me through and through, which comes with time, so I'd love to be in a progressive long-term relationship, just taking things day by day. I want more then anything right now to be healthy and healthy to me means being at my goal weight and size. My life goal is to be in a financial and professional position to be able to help my family and buy my parents the home we never had. I want to be professionally successful, an executive or better of a great well known company or corporation. I'd also love to be able to give back some home. Finally, I just want to be stable. Be in a good place in my life with that good man, my family, my career, and girlfriends (which I don't have those core group of girlfriends yet, I want them).  Anyway, that's all I've ever asked for and am asking for. If I could just find those people who can renew my faith and trust in the human race, I'd be eternally happy. Thanks for listening universe.\\

Anyway, that was it. Like I said I have slipped of the band wagon, I mean just a few seconds ago I was yelling at my brother for interrupting my train of thought, lol, so it'll take some work, but I know it'll work out... I'm going to keep trying to put out those positive vibes out into the universe.

Love,
Ellie.

I truely will never understand people at all. Someone in Barrie made up some rumor that I was kicked out of school because I'm immature. First of all, I withdrew from school I was not kicked out. Second, no one up there can truely say they know me at all, I talked to all of one person from Collingwood that goes to Georgian but no one actually in Barrie so I simply don't understand that at all. It was probably the same person who told me about the rumor. I'm not even in Barrie and yet I'm being talked about as if I was.

I for one am glad this whole thing happened because it's just shown their true colours, so goodbye to you and have a nice life, you just missed out on me. This whole thing has also just reinforce my thinking about Mena too...

I'm also glad to this whole thing because, I'm going to be living my life exactly the way I wish, care free and completely uninhibited by so called "friendships". I will find the people that are loyal and true and loving but until then, this is my mentality... try and stop me bitch :)

Later my lovers!
Ellie.

it's amazing what you can learn from people's wall-to-wall's, seriously. amazing, try it some time.

that being said, I'll be totally over him, just ignore him, pretend he doesn't exist when he messages you. it'll be fine. i have some pretty solid people around me, and not all of them just want to sleep with me.

gah! my little shit of a brother totally jedi mind tricked me, going through my history and clicking on the websites i went to recently.....little brothers.

so this is probably going to be difficult, being fine alone. i mean it has been but things could change, right?

I dunno what I'm feeling, I'm pretty happy lol. Making dinner for the family as usual. Listening to music. Watching Ellen DeGen :D I love her, she's just the coolest.

As I listen to Otis Redding, doesn't it just make you want you and your significant other to have one of his songs as your song? Then I got to thinking I want an upbeat song to, so then I decided that I want more then one song to be our song :D

Any guy that like Otis Redding, is good in my books..